First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
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There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[canadians at you, canadianly]
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.