[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
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Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I have so many questions.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*