Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
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I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
This is Sparta
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?