*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
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*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.