Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
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In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Terribly Tuesday.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass