what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
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A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
This headline is a thing of beauty
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children