I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
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Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.