If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
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Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I self medicate, therefore you live.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”