when you are just born a rebel
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You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
so weird how every mom was born today
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
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