At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
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I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
The French word for sex is croissant.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
how long have you had this for?
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.