Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
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i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
huge if true: the moon
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
My blood type is coffee.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.