If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.