If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
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The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.