I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
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Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”