me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
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My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.