*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.