Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
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What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*