Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
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I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
“HELP WITH CAT”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.