Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
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Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.