If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
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Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!