The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
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I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.