My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
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[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”