Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
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Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.