What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
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Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now