[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
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i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
mood
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope