11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
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I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT