Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
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Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
When you’re Kinky but poor
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I never needed anything more in my life
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.