Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
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who wants to go expliring
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great