Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
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I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow