Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
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I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I