Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
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I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.