It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
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Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Optional boss fight.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.