Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
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Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I feel seen
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.