Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
You Might Also Like
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
(2022)
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom