Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
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“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
guilty
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.