No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
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[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.