Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
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How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Simple enough.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.