My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
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I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.