assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
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Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
this is so top tier i cant
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.