*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
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[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.