Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
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*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Matt Goss
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.