It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush