A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
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The first one, obviously
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.