I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
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The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
You look like you would fail a DNA test
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.