Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
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You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday