before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now