In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
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People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Brilliant!
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands