You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
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Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
i think we should see other cousins
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink