Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
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ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close