I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
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The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”